I’m not sure why I’m really writing this. I may never hit publish, it might just sit in my drafts forever. But as Elsa, loudly and proudly sings, let it go. Writing my feelings down always seems easier than talking about them. Since my teens I have suffered from low self-esteem. I know that we all have times when we lack confidence and don’t feel good about ourselves. I was then diagnosed as having depression and anxiety, which has continued into my adult life. Since becoming a mum I’ve found myself feeling really lonely as well.
Having anxiety mixed with low self-esteem means I find it hard to make friends. The friends I do have I am fine around. But I don’t have a particularly huge circle of friends, just a few close ones. Most of those are not mum friends either. Whilst I was pregnant we joined our local NCT group, not to learn about being new parents, but so I would have some mum friends. But again, the anxiety made it difficult for me. Now we have moved away to an area where I know literally no one it’s even worse. One of the reasons I began blogging was because I was a new mum, and thought it might be a good way to feel less lonely and keep myself from going crazy.
Most days it’s just myself and Clem. It is currently the summer holidays and I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that Clem doesn’t play with other children that much. Don’t get me wrong, she has friends at her preschool but she hasn’t seen them since the end of the term. She will happily play if a child approaches her in the park as well. There is nothing wrong there, but I can’t help feel that it’s my fault she doesn’t have many friends. We go out to the park or the beach, I’ve been avoiding soft play because it’s the holidays.
Depression and anxiety are horrible. I hate them.
Before the holidays began she had an end of term trip. The school hired a coach, all the kids and parents went along. It was a lovely day out but I hardly spoke to anyone. I just kept myself to myself, I think I managed a few hellos but that’s about it. I feel like I should have got to know her friend’s parents a bit better. Then maybe she would have other kids to play with. I then spend the next few days blaming myself.
This is just one example of how my mind works. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but again that’s another part of the depression. I am currently on antidepressants – I am not ashamed to say that. At the moment I don’t feel ready for CBT, which is something my doctor has suggested. But I do worry that I may never be, so maybe I should just go for it.
This post actually explains an awful lot of how I am feeling at the moment. I’m struggling with sleep, I can’t get to sleep at night which means come the morning I don’t want to get up. But I have to, not for myself but because I have a 3-year-old that needs me. My eating habits are really bad at the moment, and I am very aware of the fact I have put on a lot of weight recently. I also know that sitting around moping and eating won’t help that.
Social media is a complete killer when I am feeling low, so I’ve been trying to avoid it for a while. Not only do I find myself scrolling endlessly through twitter and instagram, but it makes me feel bad for not being ‘perfect’. Again, it’s completely in my head, and I know that what people put online isn’t what goes on 100% of the time. So I’ve been trying to switch off more, which is why today I forced myself to take Clem to the beach and enjoy the sunshine. The beach is my happy place. I find the sound of the waves relaxing. Sunshine also helps.
In just under 2 weeks Clem will be back at preschool, for more days and longer hours. I am hoping to use that time to get motivated, and moving. I want to start exercising regularly, and eating healthier. I’m also putting myself out there for things, pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Maybe the next thing is to finally make some mum friends nearby. So if anyone is a mum in Brighton/Hove and is looking for another mum friend then *waves*